Getting Edward Wasted
by ginnyinvisible
Summary: Post New Moon; does not recognize Eclipse or Breaking Dawn. However, Bella already tried to get Edward to sleep with her, and this occurs right afterwards; Bella moves to a new plan of attack. Can a vampire get drunk?


**Post New Moon; does not recognize Eclipse or Breaking Dawn. However, Bella already tried to get Edward to sleep with her, and this occurs right afterwards; Bella moves to a new plan of attack. Can a vampire get drunk?**

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**BELLA**

Stubborn prude.

It was unfair, I knew, but seriously. This was the twentieth century, though Edward seemed unable to comprehend that. Century old virgins did not walk the earth. It was a scientific impossibility, besides the fact that he shouldn't live anyway. We were out of the Dark Ages.

_I need to protect your virtue_, was his mantra. I mean, I love how sweet and caring he is for me, but this _for the best_ thing is getting a bit irritating. Why can't he be like any other hormonal teen boyfriend who can't wait to get in your pants?

I was being harsh. I knew that. And I knew I loved Edward just as he was. But it really pissed me off when I put myself out there, and he pushed me away. Our positions were really switched; I wasn't supposed to be made to feel bad for forcing myself on _him_.

Maybe the reason it so offended me was it brought back up the idea that _he didn't want me_. The words he had said that day in the forest still rang in my head constantly, filling my mind with doubts. _Am I sure he really wants me? Am I sure he won't just leave again?_

Whenever I voiced these concerns I instantly felt terrible, because of the look that came on his face. _"I will never forgive myself for losing your trust,"_ he'd say, over and over, looking as if I'd broke his heart. But really; he did. He did lose my trust. I didn't want to admit it, but it was true. He had created the possibility that he didn't really want me, that he was just faking it, and of course my self doubting mind brought it up every moment.

And then when he rejected my advances, it only twisted the knife in my back. _"I don't want you,"_ he'd said in the forest. _"I don't want to do this,"_ he had said last night. How different were they? My mind blurred the lines between the two sentences, merging them into "I don't want to do this _with you._" Was that the truth? Was I that undesirable?

When he saw the tears in my eyes, of course, guilt twisted his features and he instantly began to comfort me, telling me that wasn't true. Telling me some crap about how he was trying to keep my virtue. But then he rambled on, saying how he'd broken every other commandment and his virtue was the only thing left. _Changing your story much?_ I longed to yell at him. _First you want to keep my virtue, then yours? They say when you change your story, it means it never was the truth._ I called him on it, and he changed the subject. Hmm.

The thing was, he was so _reserved_. So _controlled_. I wanted him to get passionate, tell me he really _wanted_ me, give me the ultimate proof that he desired me as much as I desired him. If he did not even get the least bit excited when he was around me, what did that say? Emmett and Jasper called him a prude, and sometimes I thought I agreed. But the constant thought was always there, _or is it just because it's me?_

So I had a plan.

I had enlisted both Alice and Jasper's help in the plan; Alice because she would see anyway, and it would be better to just tell her than her find out, knowing I had kept a secret from her. Jasper because I needed someone to get the blood for this to work.

It might not anyway. Alcohol might not even affect his long dead brain at all.

Alice had laughed at me, noting how I seemed like "a villain in a melodrama—twirling your mustache while you try to steal some poor girl's virtue". I agreed; I did. But I was desperate.

Plus, whether or not the result was favorable, it would be pretty funny to see a drunk Edward.

And so I waited, on my bed, during my after-dinner "curfew" before Edward could come in my room. Usually, it was when Charlie fell asleep, but tonight it was slightly earlier, as he was going out. I prayed for Jasper to get here soon, before Edward arrived... otherwise I'd have to wait till tomorrow. And I was impatient, I admitted it.

Finally I heard the light tapping on my window that sounded like metal against glass, which meant he was here. I walked over to the window and opened it, narrowly avoiding the bottle of vodka on the floor. _Nice, Bella. Trip over it and spill it all over the floor. What will he say then?_

To my surprise, both Jasper and Alice dropped into the room. Alice deterred my question by saying, "I was just curious how you were going to do this," as if she had known what I was going to say, which she probably had.

I sighed. Trust Alice to get involved in everything. "You brought it?" I inquired of Jasper, turning resolutely from Alice.

"Yeah, right here." He lifted several bottles of blood-red liquid out of the bag on his side. "We got a little more than you said you needed in case you spilled some." His lips curled into a smirk.

"Very funny." I crossed my arms and frowned. "Are you sure he won't be able to smell the alcohol?"

"Yes. We got mountain lion, which is his favorite. His sense of smell will be so excited by the blood he won't notice. We added a bit of human, just in case." My eyes widened, and he continued. "From Carlisle's blood bank, of course."

Hmm. Okay. I took the bottles from his grasp and unscrewed the tops, pouring just enough vodka in each, not so much that he would smell it. Then I screwed them each up tightly, and placed them against my wall, standing up and wiping my sweaty hands against my thighs.

"You sure you blocked your thoughts?" I inquired sharply of both of them. That would be the utmost humiliation: if he knew I was planning this.

Alice nodded feverishly as Jasper answered, "Of course. He doesn't have a clue. And we made sure to keep him occupied so he didn't have time to go hunting; his eyes will be black when he gets you, which will provide the opportunity for you to offer him the blood."

"Good."

Alice let out a giggle. "This is going to be hilarious. Come on Jasper, he's coming." She took Jasper by the arm and began to pull him towards the window.

She had had a vision? "Wait, Alice! Did you see it? Is it going to work?"

"I- Oh god, he's almost here. Got to go!" With that, both vampires disappeared.

I didn't have to wait long before his long limbs climbed over my sill, and I was fascinated as I always was by his perfect face, his beautiful smile, strong chest. "Hi," he breathed, smiling that irresistible crooked grin of his. "Miss me?"

I melted into his chest, and lifted my lips up to his. "Yeah," I managed to mumble before his glorious lips cut me off.

My hands tightened into his hair, nails digging in so that they would have hurt if he were human. My breath came in gasps, and he pushed me onto the bed, rolling on top of me. My vision began to blur due to the pressure, but I didn't want to stop, I _loved_ it, and all my subconscious would say was, _More, more!_

Earlier than he usually did, he pulled away. I could tell he was holding his breath and his eyes were deep black, his chest heaving. His jaw was clenched, lips tense as he fought to restrain his feral, killing urges.

This was my chance. "Are you alright, Edward?" I put a look of dubious concern on my face and hoped he wouldn't notice the speeding of my heart. Or at least attribute it to fear he'd hurt me.

He opened his mouth, and the words came out curtly, tight with restraint. "Sorry, I haven't hunted in a while... Alice's been buying all this stuff for me and Jasper wanted to practice one-on-one fighting, in case there was danger with Victoria..."

_Here I go._ "Yeah, they stopped by earlier and told me. They felt bad, they didn't realize you'd be coming to visit me. I think Alice saw the possibility... So Jasper went to hunt and brought some blood, so you don't have to be tempted to kill me." I tipped my head over to the bottles.

His eyes widened, slowly returning to murky gold. "Alice saw the possibility... oh god, Bella, I was so stupid, I could have hurt you, how could I have forgotten to hunt? I'll be sure to thank them next time I see them." He stood and walked over to the bottles, picking one up and unscrewing it. I held my breath.

His voice was incredulous. "This smells delicious... more potent than usual. What kind is it?"

"Mountain lion," I answered, commanding my voice not to waver. _And a bit of human..._

He smiled, not hearing the lie in my voice, and tipped the bottle up, letting the dark red liquid fall into his mouth. Time seemed to slow as I watched the level slowly lower in the bottle, until the last drop trembled and fell from the edge, staining a snow white tooth. He licked it with his tongue, and set the bottle down, walking over to join me on the bed. I noted a slight unsteadiness in his gait...

I reached down to get another bottle, and handed it to him. "Have another, just to be safe."

He popped the lid off and took a sip. "Glad to see you're finally thinking of your own safety when you're around me, Bella," he said remonstratingly. He took another, longer sip.

I leaned up, trying to make my voice alluring--and failing miserably--, saying, "I just don't want you to be uncomfortable."

He groaned, but took a second to contest. Just a second, but my mind noted it, noted the contrast with his usual instant replies. "Bella, you are so selfless, you don't even seem to _care_ if I kill you." He drank some more.

I pulled his face down to mine, and he set the bottle down on the dresser, accidentally tipping it a little as he did so before righting it as it hit the wood. "Getting killed by you would be my dream death," I said, and it was the truth.

He let out a gasp and brought his lips to mine, tightening his arms around my shoulders it hurt a little, but I didn't care. He was actually holding me _tightly_, and my body and mind reveled in the fact. "Bella, love," he murmured, and the words were slightly slurred together. His lips moved, pushing mine apart, and his tongue slid into my mouth.

_Oh god,_ was all my mind could say. My hands went up to his face of their own accord, tracing his mouth and cheekbones, as he let out a moan into my mouth.

Eventually, after what might have been only seconds or an eternity, he removed his lips from mine, slurring, "Bella, you're so beautiful." He moved his lips down my neck, around my chin, to nip my ear lightly. Now I moaned, and my hands tightened in his hair. I could feel myself grow warm.

It was hard to break away, but I needed to breath. We both fell back on the bed, panting heavily. Edward lifted himself up, then his hand slipped and he fell down again. "Sorry," he mumbled, "that was out of bounds..."

"That's okay," I replied, "I liked it."

He grinned, and told me, "So did I." I swelled with satisfaction. This was working. He had never told me that before. "I need more blood though if we're going to try this... you smell belicious. Bella. Delicious." My mind repeated the words in my head... _if we're going to try this... if we're going to try this..._

He got up unsteadily and walked over to the dwindling pile of bottles, staggering a little. He took another and drank most of it, setting it on the dresser. This time it fell and the remains of the dark red blood spilled over the furniture, staining it. I bit my lip._ I'd take care of that later._ Edward didn't seem to notice as he rejoined me on the bed, pushing my back down against the bed, and letting his cool breath fill my nostrils, making my head swim.

"Bella, do you know you are such a tease?" he mumbled, almost incoherently. "Looking so beautiful. And so unreachable. God, Bella, that day at the prom... you're so oblivious, every boy was staring at your legs and you know I'm a boy, right?"

I let out a giggle. "Yeah, I know you're a boy."

He started tracing my eyebrows, mumbling something about legs, and I could feel my doubts disappearing by the moment. If only he actually said what he thought when he wasn't wasted, I'd be in constant bliss. We needed to do this more often...

"Hey, Bella, Belleza, Beautiful," he said, lips curving in a smile. "You know what your last name is?"

"Yeah, Swan." I laughed, and pressed myself closer to him. We weren't really heading to the sex direction, but we had time, and this was definitely entertaining.

"No, Mrs. Cullen. Your name is Mrs. Cullen. Or is it Masen? I think my name's Masen... or maybe I changed it... I don't know, one of them. Mrs. Edward Cullmasen."

I muffled my laughter in his chest. "Yes, that's me, Mrs. Edward Cullmasen."

He buried his lips in my hair. "I love you, Mrs. Edmund Cullmasen." Then he moved them down to mine, and his tongue flicked back in.

"I love you too," I mumbled, before I lost myself in the kiss.

It was a bit before he began to talk again, murmuring, "What if you were a stripper? I looked it up, once, you know... guess what your stripper name is?"

Hmm. I didn't know he did stuff like that in his spare time. "What?"

"Dallas Cherrythong. Or Dazzle Cherrythighs... something like that..."

Hahaha. "Yeah, call me that from now on."

His hands now slid from my waist down lower, sliding into my jeans, and I felt myself grow warm as my breath caught in my throat. He was panting now, eyes molten gold, bubbling with fire. "Edward..." I moaned.

He groaned out my name as he fumbled with my button, slipping once, twice, again. His tongue in my mouth flicked once and he moaned again.

I was impatient, and my body was too. I moved his hands aside as I unbuttoned my jeans myself. His hands were cold against my stomach as he groaned again.

"Edward, you sure you want to do this?" I asked, though his intentions were pretty obvious.

His eyes were so entrancing in their wild beauty that he could have killed me right then and I wouldn't have noticed. "Guess," he said, teasingly, mouth curving into a smile.

Then it happened. Someone slammed open the door, and I heard Charlie's heavy footsteps downstairs.

_GOD, CHARLIE, YOU KNOW YOU HAVE THE WORST TIMING?_

"Edward," I hissed, "get in the closet."

He looked confused; I wished I could have taken a picture, it was a once-in-a-lifetime thing. "What?"

"_Charlie._ Get in the closet!"

He picked himself off of me slowly, and I pushed him the rest of the way, closing the door on his beautiful face. _Wow. I was this close to having sex with my boyfriend, and I end up locking him in the closet._

I turned, and my eyes zeroed in on the blood/vodka spilled over my dresser. _Damn._ I threw some laundry over it--_there goes my clothes_--, then dived across the room and flicked the light switch just as Charlie reached the top stair.

I held my breath as he stood there for a minute, mumbling something, then stomped into his room, slamming his door with a deep sigh.

I flicked the light black on, turning to the closet. Maybe I could salvage some of my night... we had been so close before...

I opened the door and was met by the sight of Edward, passed out on the floor of my closet.

His clothes were ruffled, hair messy, but his face was relaxed and eyes closed. _What the hell?_ I thought to myself. _Vampires can't be unconscious. It's impossible._ Yet here he was, obviously passed out on the floor.

On the other hand, I hadn't been sure how possible it was to get a vampire drunk in the first place.

I sighed, looking down at him. My plan really had backfired. I had given a whole 'nother _definition_ to the phrase 'backfiring plan'. Ha.

Might as well make the best of it, I thought resignedly, stepping into the closet and delicately laying myself down on his chest, gazing fondly at his face. He really did look adorable asleep, I thought to myself, fixing the sight in my memory, as I would probably never get to see it again.

My last thought before I drifted off was _Charlie better not walk in here in the morning and find us like this._

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Bella, do you know what could have happened?" Edward was angry, angrier than I had ever seen him before. I cowered into Alice, for Alice and Jasper were suffering Edward's fury as well. "I could have hurt you! Killed you!" He looked with horror at his hands, then put his fingers on my shoulder, matching them to the purpling bruises that were forming there. "How could you have risked yourself like that?"

"Sorry," I mumbled. I wasn't sorry. I'd do it again, if there was any possible chance Edward would let me. Which there wasn't.

He brought his face to mine, his eyes burning. "Bella, you're not sorry. How can I get you to understand that you need to keep yourself safe! That was the stupidest ever- the most-" His fury rendered him incoherent.

Alice spoke up then. "Edward, lay off. Nothing happened."

He whirled on her. "And you! How could you have let her?"

She shrugged. "I kinda agreed with her. You are a prude. And I knew nothing was going to happen."

His eyes widened. "You saw everything?"

"Of course." Her voice was now indignant. "You think I would have risked something like that without making sure first? Besides, I had to let it happen. It was hilarious."

Jasper smirked. "It was. Alice was commentating the entire time."

Edward stiffened. "What happened?"

_Huh?_ "Wait," I said, speaking up. "You don't remember?"

His eyes tightened, and his posture grew if possible even more tense. "No, I just remember waking up in a closet--_in a closet_--with you asleep on my chest. You do realize that _anything_ could have happened, and I wouldn't have even _remembered_?"

I hadn't even listened to his remonstrances. My mouth curved into an evil grin, and I met Alice's eyes. She had an identical smirk on her face. "So, you don't remember," I clarified again, making sure.

"No..." his voice was unsure now.

"Would you like us to tell you what happened?"

**FIN**

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Okay, this was just a totally random idea. I know it's OOC for Bella to do this, but yeah. She was desperate (and seriously, she was definitely headed this way on Isle Esme). I wasn't sure if M was too extreme as there isn't any actual sex in this fic, but I wanted to be safe. Should I change it to T? Um yeah, and I'm also not supporting premarital sex or drunkenness. Like I said, this was random. Tell me what you think; what could have been improved on. Want me to write an alternate in which Charlie did not walk in?


End file.
